Is the Xbox 360 Cooler Than Jesus?

If you're easily offended, then don't read this satirical letter to a fictitious Pastor, and his equally satirical and fictitious reply.

Dear Pastor,

I go to a secular high school because my stupid unsaved parents don't have decent jobs and can't afford to send me to a Christian school. So if you will, please excuse my poor grammar, as I present a question to you.

I was visiting a friends house (someone who I had been witnessing to for about 2-years) and we sat down in his living room to play some video games. He had one of those new Xbox 360's that everyone is talking about. Well, now I know why everyone is going so nuts over them, because they are freaking incredible! I told my friend that his Xbox was amazing, and he afforded the opportunity to mention to me (because he knew I was always trying to get him to go to church) that the Xbox 360 is cooler than Jesus!

Needless to say, I was so offended that I kicked his Xbox across the room and then proceeded to smash it against a wall. It is pretty much broken now and he is really peeved (that means upset) about it. Well, now my stupid parents are involved and all kinds of crap. His mom and dad want my parents to pay for the game system, which they can't do - because they can't afford it.

What the heck am I supposed to do? How can faithful Christian witnesses like me compete with something that every kid in the world already thinks is way cooler than Jesus?

William Thorncastle
Phoenix, Arizona


Dear William,

I've been faced with some tough questions in the past, son - but the solution to your dilemma is quite simple. Creation Scientists here at Landover Baptist Church have been studying the Xbox 360 for several months (before it was even released to the general public). It was found to be made of plastic and metal and filled with electronicalized gizmos that enable it to be connected to a television set. Somehow (and keep in mind, we're Creation Scientists here, son - not engineers) the device is able to accept discs which play videos and video games on television sets in vivid colors.

My suggestion to you is to ask your unsaved classmate the following questions. Then he'll see just how "cool" his Xbox 360 really is, when compared to Jesus Christ.

1. Can the Xbox 360 turn water into wine?

2. Can the Xbox 360 fly?

3. Can the Xbox 360 burn millions of people in Hell because they don't accept it as their Lord and Personal Savior?

4. Can the Xbox 360 endure a virgin birth?

5. Can the Xbox 360 survive after having enormous rusty spikes hammered into it?

6. Can the Xbox 360 walk on water? Oh heck! I bet it doesn't even float!

7. Can the Xbox 360 effortlessly fling a 50 ton slab of granite off the entrance to a cave?

8. Can the Xbox 360 watch you masturbate? I'm sure it will help millions of youngsters shim-sham their tallywhackers because it delightfully accepts dirty videos! But it isn't going to sit there out of concern while it watches you commit the sin of personal abuse, and it isn't going to cry tears of love and forgiveness as you get up to find a paper towel afterwards!

9. Can the Xbox 360 forgive you of your sins and offer you eternal life with an all expenses paid trip to Heaven - and even throw in a free Mansion with a driveway made of solid gold?

10. Can the Xbox 360 lead a REAL army of Godly Christians into the final battle of Armageddon and slaughter millions of people until the Earth is covered with flesh and blood?

I'm sure your unsaved friend will think twice about comparing Jesus to his Xbox 360 after you present him with these questions. As soon as you see him even slightly contemplate his eternal security - rush in at that moment of vulnerability and present him with the plan of Salvation immediately! Get him to confess Christ as his Savior, throw him in the trunk of your parents' car and dump him off in front of your local Baptist Church. They'll take care of the rest.

God Bless You, and Good luck!

Pastor Deacon Fred